I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
