On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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