It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
