im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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