you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
