He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
