look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
