He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
