3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
