Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
