I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
