PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
