i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There r osticjed everywhere
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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