The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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