Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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