vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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