in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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