I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
