I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
