His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
