Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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