Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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