I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I didn't notice because vodka
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
