I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
