Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
