Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
