Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
