farters have to be the big spoon...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
