my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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