when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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