Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
