I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They are going to name an STD after you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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