I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
