Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I checked into jail on foursquare
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
