Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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