Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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