How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
