Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
