Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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