I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
