He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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