i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you had me at cake vodka
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
