I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Randomize
