toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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