Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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