i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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