Your face is a jimmy john
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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