hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
