you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
