someone get that fucking seahorse.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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