she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
