She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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