Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
